A Revolution for Which No One Was Waiting

So, carpet, right? It’s a pain in the tuckus to have to vacuum it on the reg, but it’s certainly a lot better than mowing the lawn. Having vacuumed literally hundreds of times in my life, I can say that I’ve never so much as broken a sweat, let alone dreamed of the day when someone would spend untold thousands of dollars on research and development to make vacuuming easier.

So my question is: Just how hard do these clowns think vacuuming is?

Now, I can appreciate whatever the H-E-double-stuff-Oreo kind of technology they use to make their vacuums suck more (one of the few industries in which your product sucking is a good thing). That’s really the gist of vacuuming, after all; to suck up all the junk that’s gotten into your carpet.

But the stupid “ball” technology they put so much stock in, and the negative-eight-pounds or whatever their little handheld vacuum thingers weigh, not so much. Again, vacuuming ISN’T HARD TO BEGIN WITH. At all. So why work so dang hard to make it easier.

Some people clearly have waaay too much time on their hands, and waaay too much money to waste on stupid things like “creating the perfect vacuum.” I wish these guys would create the perfect shut the hell up instead.

A Step in the Wrong Direction

Starting with the original, pedal-less velocipede in 1817, bicycles have come a long way. Far from the mostly-wooden “boneshakers” of yore, modern bikes are often made of advanced materials that make them light as a feather, can have upwards of 20 gears, and even include complex suspension systems that allow them to traverse nearly any kind of terrain.

So, when I stumbled across the latest Weirdohead product, I was more than a little befuddled. “You know what would be great,” the inventor of this deconstructed bike-like abomination probably thought at some point, likely while highly intoxicated “let’s take all the stuff that makes bikes fun and easy to ride and just GET RID OF IT!”

This completely counterintuitive “advancement” in bicycle technology, you see, has no pedals. And no seat. Neither of those last two sentences are typos: no pedals, no seat.

Instead of sitting on a seat, one essentially straps the hideous monstrosity to one’s back and kind-of-sort-of hangs off it from a harness. Rather than pedaling, one just pretty much runs and takes the strapped-to-one’s-back bike with one. Watching this mother on video, one realizes that it looks just as stupid as it sounds.

I would, however, like to get my hands on one of these stupid-@$$ things. So I could set it on fire and launch it from a catapult into the river.

It Already Is!

Read the right way (read: the wrong way), this page advertising floor safes could be interpreted as selling a device to make your floor safer. Following that twisted logic, one could—and, if you’re at all familiar with Weirdohead, you know that means “will”—argue that the floor is already the safest part of your home.

Think about it: when you’re on the floor, you’re pretty much as safe as can be. You can fall down and hurt yourself, because you’re already down. I suppose something could fall off a table and land on you, but the only way to prevent that would be to put a platform or a net of some kind between yourself and the surface of the table, to catch whatever it is that’s falling, but that would essentially just be creating another ceiling. Which is ridiculous.

Perhaps the only way to truly make your floor safer than it already is would be the addition of padding, and even that is just gravy. If you know you’re going to be down on the floor, get down there carefully and there’s really nothing to worry about. Adding some padding will make your stay more comfortable, for sure, though not necessarily “safer.”

I Think I’d Know Anodized When I See One

We’re all familiar with aluminum. It’s the light, yet quite strong (in proportion to said weight) metal that’s used to create containers for soda and, more importantly, beer. It’s really kind of an interesting material, in that it’s flimsy enough for one to easily crush an empty soda or beer can on one’s head (though this is not recommended), yet sturdy enough to contain the high amounts of pressure placed on it by the soda or beer itself before the can is opened.

Rumor has it there’s a process available that can make aluminum harder and stronger than normal, called anodizing. Anodized aluminum can be, depending on the anodizing process used (apparently there are many variations), made into “one of the hardest substances known to man, second only to diamond.” However, even if the aluminum is incredibly hard, wouldn’t it still be light and flimsy underneath the anodized exterior?

Also, if you need a material that hard, wouldn’t you just use a material other than aluminum to begin with? Wouldn’t, I don’t know, steel or something like that make more sense, as it would not need to be anodized to make it extra hard? Or, if for whatever reason the item in question has to be made of aluminum, couldn’t you just make it a little thicker to compensate for it’s flimsiness? And did I really just write a Weirdohead post using the word “flimsy” three times in as many paragraphs? No—now it’s in there FOUR times. Aaargh!

They Say Flexible Shaft Coupling is A Bad Mother—Shut Your Mouth!

For the unfamiliar, a “coupling” or “shaft coupling” is a device used to connect two shafts for the purpose of transmitting power from one to the other (which then usually turns/powers something else). By necessity—and the laws of physics—the two shafts being joined must be very, very close to perfectly in line for the process to work.

But, then Dr. Karl Gustav von Flexible Shaft Coupling (possibly not the guy’s actual name—I’m too lazy to look it up) invented the flexible shaft coupling, which allows for some misalignment between the two joined shafts. Which is all well and good, except for one thing:

If you can’t build your device(s) so that the two shafts line up correctly from the word “go,” you might not be that good of a mechanical engineer. And if you’re not that good of an engineer, I don’t really want you designing anything that involves this much mechanical power, because if you can’t get that essential part right, what else did you fudge in your design?

It seems to me (as an expert, of course) that flexible shaft couplings just invite shoddy work. If you know you don’t have to get all your drive shaft angles to line up just right, you probably won’t put forth the effort to make sure they do. From there, it’s a slippery slope that leads to something exploding and somebody losing an eye (or worse).

So thanks a lot, Karl. You’ve made the world a more dangerous place.

Dang It, Bobby! I Told You to Clean Your Cleanroom!

Latest Weirdohead discovery: cleanrooms. Apparently, they’re special chambers in scientific laboratories and manufacturing facilities where everything is specially “super sterilized” to keep whatever the people inside are working on extra, extra, extra clean.

Now, in a manufacturing setting, I can see how you’d need some way to keep stuff cleaner than the general industrial mess around you. But in a scientific laboratory, shouldn’t you really be keeping all your stuff super clean anyway? What kind of lazy slob scientists need a special room to keep the Cheetos dust off their experiments.

And, equally bizarre, there’s seemingly an entire industry dedicate to creating specialty cleanroom garments. Do you really need specially, extra clean clothes to go into your extra clean room? Can’t you just be sure to wash whatever you’re going to be wearing before you go in. Get some extra strength Tide or something and you’re good to go.

Perhaps worst of all, from what I found, these cleanrooms aren’t designed for anything particularly interesting. They’re mostly used for manufacturing medical equipment and other boring, run of the mill items. I was hoping that most people would at least be doing something cool in a cleanroom, like dissecting an alien like that scene toward the end of E.T.

Overlaminates? What Happened to All My Underlaminates?

Have you ever been driving and seen a car that’s completely covered in a big, bright colored advertisement for some random thing or another? I passed one the other day advertising “Feezies” or something like that, which got me wondering: “Where do you go to get a car painted like that?” (Don’t be surprised if you see the Weirdohead.com-Mobile cruising down the freeway someday.)

Well, I did some searching on my friend the Interwebs, and it turns out that cars with those all-over ads aren’t really painted at all. There are sites and sites and sites that sell what are called overlaminates that are basically big pieces of stretch film that are put in place over the car.

These overlaminates start out a solid color (usually white, natch), but they can be printed on with a modified laser printer to have whatever colors or graphics or text or whatever on them. Then you just wrap the car up in the overlaminate and (I think) heat-shrink it with a hair dryer or similar device.

In reality, this seems like a much better and easier way to add the ad to the car. After all, that way, you don’t have to go to the trouble of getting the car repainted later, after the ad campaign has run its course or you just get sick of driving around in a bright blue car with foot-tall letters on it (you can just peel the overlaminate off and it’s pretty much good as new).

However, I would much prefer it if someone actually had to create stencils and such to paint the letters F-E-E-Z-I-E-S on their car. Because who in their right mind would actually do that?