Set Phasers to YAG

If you’re a fan of science fiction, or even of movies in general, you’ve more than likely seen a Hollywood-ized version of something getting blasted with a laser. Let’s see, there’s the “pew pew” sound, a “bolt” of laser (either green, blue, or red in color) shoots out the end of what looks suspiciously like an AK-47 spray painted silver, the laser bolt hits someone or something, there’s a crunching/popping sound and a shower of sparks, and if the laser hit: A) a person, they drop over dead, or B) a thing, there’s either a hole blasted in it or a charred impact mark.

That being the general, though wholly uninformed, image of lasers I had in my mind, I was naturally a bit concerned when I found the website for Arrow Cryogenics, a company that provides green, UV, and YAG laser marking services. At first, I thought, “Wouldn’t that just burn through whatever it is your ‘marking’?” Then I realized that was ridiculous, because in real life, lasers aren’t actually used as weapons by space armadas. (It probably didn’t help that I just watched a three-hour Battlestar Galactica marathon.)

Then I thought, what the H-E-double-stuff-Oreo is a YAG laser?

Like “Bring In Da Noise, Bring In Da Funk”?

I think I might’ve mentioned something similar to this a while ago, but even if I did, I’ll say it again: English is a very dumb and lazy language that reuses the same word(s) too many times to mean totally different things. Exhibit A: just last night, in follow link after link down the rabbit hole that is the stupid internet, I came across a “stamping company.”

Because English is lazy and dumb, that could mean many different things. My first thought was the US Postal Service, because that’s where stamps come from, and they are in fact a company (not owned by the US government, as many people mistakenly believe). As I read about the site, I found that that idea could barely have been more wrong if I’d tried.

“So,” you may be thinking (great minds think alike, somebody once said, probably), “what else could a stamping company be?” Perhaps it’s sort of like a theatre company, but instead of performing dramatic plays, they do performances like the old Broadway show Bring In da Noise, Bring In da Funk. That wasn’t really music, and it wasn’t really traditional “theatre,” so it could very easily have been designated into a new category. Not a theatre company, or a music company, but a stamping company, since stamping all over stuff is how they created their percussion.

But, while that’s a pretty great idea (glad you thought of it, by the way), it, too is incorrect. The stamping company I came upon is a manufacturer of drawn metal stampings, like small, cylindrical automotive parts and the like. I’d say there were a good 3 or 4 more ideas we could’ve come up with—that would have at least come close to making sense—before we would’ve thought of that kind of stamping company.

I imagine there’s plenty of noise at a drawn metal stamping company, but there’s probably not a whole heck of a lot of funk.

Some Things Just Shouldn’t Be So Easy

This Weirdohead entry is actually the opposite of the norm (sorry, purists). Instead of a random, tripped over in the dark product or site that’s so bizarre or ridiculous as to be dubbed Weirdohead, this one is so fantastic and brilliant that it is, instead, Awesomehead™!

The site in question provides what they call “security control systems,” and their product offering includes everything one needs to turn one’s home into a digitally monitored fortress. They have video surveillance systems, electronic entry access systems, and the other related products one needs to create the kind of security control room one often sees in the movies.

With the right combination of equipment from this site, one could even set things up so one would never have to get off of one’s couch to answer the door for the pizza delivery guy ever again: video cameras at every door to watch for his arrival, remote controlled access to make sure the door’s unlocked (I couldn’t find anything on the site that would actually open the door as well, unfortunately), an intercom system to tell the pizza guy to come in and bring the pie right to the couch. A setup like that could really help one take their laziness to the next level.

DIY Terminator Kit?

Not every website we find for Weirdohead is completely weird across the board. In fact, quite a lot of them have just one page or product or what-have-you that’s weirdohead. Tonight’s (or this morning’s depending on how you look at it) site gets rung up for category of products, sharing a single page with what may be hiding a very sly,very subtle, very sinister secret:

It just might be a Build Your Own Terminator Kit.

This particular webpage, one that austensibly sells “vice jaw accessories,” just might be selling all the components one needs to build a Terminator. Some of the parts shown look distinctly like mechanical elbows and knees. Others like fingers, toes, and feet. Some are most definitely pieces of weaponry and/or armor. One piece has almost certainly got to be the power supply. A few of them might actually be accessories for a shop vice, I suppose.

It doesn’t appear as though it would end up looking like the ones in the movies (the robotic skeleton underneath, not the Arnold Schwarzenegger-y meat bag shell, obviously), but I think, from these parts and pieces, you could put together a walkin’, talkin’, murderin’ humanoid robot. Order yours today!

Thanks A Lot, Technology. You’ve Killed Us All.

If you’re like me, you’ve long feared a time in the near future when the world’s robots rise up and conquer humanity. (It might take a while, but follow me on this one.) Scoff if you like, but it seems its becoming more and more of an inevitability as technology continues to advance. But, that’s a whole different tangent for another time.

In preparation for the day when this does happen (if you don’t believe me, just fake it for now), I’ve been thinking of battle plans to help we humans defeat the robots. The only thing I thought of that seemed plausible was this: One does not have to completely destroy one of these automatons to render it ineffective. Instead, one only needs to shoot out its “eyes,” the camera lenses though which it sees, and the crystal lenses that would no doubt be at the end of its weapon’s or weapons’ barrel(s).

With those lenses shattered, shot out, or otherwise destroyed, the robot in question would no longer be able to see or shoot. It would essentially be a sitting duck.

Unfortunately, my dreams of making like John Connor circa 2029 were dashed when I discovered these: glass cutting machines. And, not only are these machines that can cut glass, polish it, round off the edges and such, it can do it 100% automatically! There doesn’t even need to be an operator there—they can run all day and all night, cranking out more lenses for evil robot eyes and laser cannons. As long as there’s material available for the glass cutting machine to handle and manipulate with its bizarro, state-of-the-art robot tool arms, it will continue to work.

Good luck falling asleep tonight. Dun dun DUNNH!

When Your Power Train Needs to Be Potty Trained

In my late night stumblings through the world of the internet (or is it the internet of the world?), I’ve come across many a strange thing. But few of the bizarro internet items I’ve come across have ever put so vivid or so ridiculous an image in my mind—a car in a diaper. As in a lifesize car, the one you drove to work today for example, in a diaper made to fit it. Weirdohead, no?

“What could possibly have put that thought into your sleep-deprived mind?” you ask. Well, probably not anything close to what you’re expecting. I discovered an auto repair device called a leak detection system, which is used to test transmissions, fuel rails, and other systems on automobiles that contain fluids. These machines are actually pretty brilliant, and I’d venture a guess that every Midas or Pep Boys worth their salt has at least one of these in the shop.

But just the name. “Leak detection system”…instantly made me think of a diaper. Don’t ask me why, because I surely don’t know. And don’t call me Shirley. Then, upon reading the description of what this equipment really does: BOOM. Car in a diaper. Stupidest thing ever.

I apologize that you, too, likely have an image of a car wearing a diaper in your head. It’s odd, is it not?

Like Underpants, It Seems Potentially Hazardous

Some of the internet’s biggest empires were built on selling used stuff. (Amazon, for example. Remember when those guys just sold used books?) On certain internet sites, one man’s used stuff can truly become another man’s treasure. (i.e. eBay. Did you get that one already? Figured.) And, in some of those same places, you can find literally anything used. (That time I meant Amazon and eBay. You got that, too, huh?)

But, dear reader, just because you can buy something used, doesn’t necessarily mean you should, no matter how less expensive it may be. Underpants, for example. Would you, under any circumstances, or for any price, buy a pair of used underpants over the internet? Or from any source, really? Didn’t think so. Why? Well, among dozens of other reasons, it seems potentially hazardous.

“Okay, get to it already,” you might be saying. “What randomly discovered internet item are you rambling on about this time?” Well, Wisenheimer Jackson, Jr., this time, I’m talking about used welding equipment. It seems potentially hazardous. But then again, all welding equipment seems potentially hazardous to me. If I knew how to weld, it would probably seem totally legit. From the outside looking in, however, it seems like more than a bit of a safety hazard.

Stamp! Stamp. Stamp? The Word Has Lost All Meaning

Once again, my incessant insomniac wanderings through the world wide web have led to a revelation: stamps, of all kinds, are odd. I realized that “stamp” is perhaps the only word with multiple, very different meanings that are all…well, not bad, really, because some stamps or stamp-related things are quite useful. Maybe we’ll say that they’re all a little askew, perhaps.

For example, the first thing you probably thought of when you saw the word “stamp” was a postage stamp. First thing I thought of, too. So, what about postage stamps? There a huge pain, that’s what about ’em. They’re ridiculously over priced, going to the post office (or anywhere) to buy them is very not a picnic, and you’re always out of them when you really need one. They are, however, necessary. Still, boo postage stamps.

How about rubber stamps? Kind of peculiar. Probably not something you think about every year, let alone every day. It’s something of an odd hobby, but I’m never one to judge a hobby. I enjoy playing bocce, and that game’s completely ridiculous, so what do I know. Still, sort of weird.

And then there’s the internet item I stumbled upon that got me thinking about his whole stamp shebang-bang in the first place. Deep drawn stampings. They’re one of those things that you sort of have always known existed, but unless you’re one of maybe 0.8% of the people in the world, you never really knew they existed. Deep drawn stampings are sometimes fairly large, sometimes very complex pieces of sheet metal pressed (“drawn”) into whatever shape is required. Like the metal sink in your kitchen. Or the front fender of your car. Deep drawn stampings are everywhere, and they, too, are a necessity. Still, highly specialized.