Michigan Is A Privilege, Not A Right

If you read this stupid little blog of mine on the reg, you probably know how dumb I think the English language is. I tend to be more of a stickler about goofy grammar and syntax than most people, but I’m not always down on those errors (which may not necessarily be errors, technically). Sometimes they can be rather amusing.

For example, my incessant, insomniac internet excursions lead me to a site that was promoting “Michigan license restoration.” Upon reading just one little paragraph of the web page, it was obvious that they meant “drivers license,” but it made me think, “What if it was a license one needed in order to live in Michigan?” (I don’t sleep much. Stupid $#!t like that is pretty funny when you’re as tired as I usually am.)

Would kids in Michigan be allowed to be there only under their parents’ licenses? At sixteen, would they be issued a Michigan permit? Followed several months later by the nerve-wracking Michigan license test, of course. Pass said test, and you can keep living in Michigan; fail, and you’re shipped off to Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, or Canada. (Doesn’t matter which. Just get the hell outta the Wolverine State, pal.)

And, like a drivers license, there could be any number of infractions which could lead to someone losing his or her Michigan license. Buy your cherries from out of state? Forget your octopus at a Red Wings game? Just straight up hate lakes? BAM—license revoked!

The only solution, of course, is to track down someone who can administer your Michigan license restoration before you get glove-shoved down to Toledo.

Finding Aircraft Clips Online

So I was looking around online for some cool aircraft clips of airplanes doing tricks and stuff. I love flying and once, in a simpler time, wanted to be a pilot. We lived close to an FAA museum when I was a kid and we would go see the airplane shows and I just thought it was the coolest thing. Of course, as an adult, there is college, your job, kids, your life and other things that keep us firmly fastened in out monotony. But these “fasteners” have no bearing on where our dreams go.

And when I dream I honestly still think about those aircraft shows, with the little planes doing flips and stuff. Sometimes even small jets would come and it was amazing for a kid!

Here’s a clip of AirVenture, one of the coolest air shows I’ve ever heard about:

Gosh, that stuff is just so awesome, isn’t it? Part of me still wants to chase my dream sometimes. But usually I just go looking for aircraft clips online and find cool stuff to watch. Fasteners be damned, I still have youtube.

The Metal Channel makes it all OK

So I didn’t have a whole lot to do the other day and decided to settle in and watch some cable TV. I mean, I pay way too much money for it anyway, so I may as well use it, right? And besides, TV is as much a part of our culture now as books and pamphlets were 200 years ago. In fact, in a lot of ways, it fills exactly the same role. So don’t come down on TV too hard.

Anyway, so I was flipping through channels, and there are a whole lot of them. And they all seem to just have the same junk. I mean, I remember when I was a kid, cable TV had a lot of  old made for TV movies, a lot of vintage shows, and some good original programming. It was a unique thing and every channel had a clear purpose. Now, every channel just has reality TV, full of idiots behaving like idiots. Ugh.

But I did discover something kind of cool about cable TV. The music channels. There is a country channel, a pop channel, something like 3 hip hop channels, and even a metal channel! (No, not stainless steel metal channel. Like, metal music metal channel.) Granted, the music channels seem to have a lot of reality TV on them too, for some reason. But they also have full blocks of music every evening. It’s the perfect background for black ops.

Dental Masks as Fashion? Really??

So I was hanging out downtown the other day and I saw the weirdest thing. This girl was wearing, I don’t know what you would call it. A surgical mask – you know, those things people wear during flu season, or like to prevent SARS. Like those masks they wear when they’re working on your teeth at the dentist. Dental masks. Those things.

Anyway so she was just wearing this, but it was decorated to look like the mouth of a monster. Like sharp teeth, pointy tongue, etc. Is this a new trend with teenagers now? It’s really, really weird. I just don’t even know what to say about it. But, the girl who was wearing it seemed pretty happy so more power to her I guess.

Metric Or Treat

So, measuring stuff, right?!?

In my late night/early morning excursions across the World Wide Internets, I’ve come across myriad random items that are sold in an assortment of measurements. Nuts and bolts of different sizes, carpet sold by square footage, shoes, pants, heck, even pizza pies.

One thing I’ve noticed about many of these items is that they’re available in both metric and what I’ll call, for lack of a better word—and because I’m fairly certain this is the proper terminology anyway—imperial measurements. (As in inches, feet, etc., also known as English measure.) The two tend to go back and forth between having longer and shorter measurements—an inch is longer than a centimeter, but a meter is longer than a yard. However, for the products I found that are available in separate imperial and metric versions, they’re almost always using inches and centimeters or millimeters.

With that in mind (in my poor, sleep-deprived mind), I concocted a loophole—possibly a double loophole—by which one might potentially save some bucks on purchasing these items. Like many loopholes, it only really makes sense by a certain logic, and not a particularly sound one.

As a random example, let’s say one is ordering a length of plastic tubing. Now, an 8mm diameter tube is the same size as a 5/16” diameter tube, or at least close enough for government work. But, using my loophole’s loopy logic, because millimeters are smaller than inches, and therefore the 8mm tube is, by a weird, non-technical technicality, smaller than the 5/16” tube, doesn’t it seem like the metric tube should be less expensive?

Or, by the opposite, but equally loopy, logic of my double loophole, since 5/16 is considerably less than eight, shouldn’t the imperial tube be less expensive?

Neither of those arguments actually make any sense, but if spun the right way to the right tubemonger, one could potentially get oneself a discount on plastic tubing. Or, at the very least, give someone an interesting story about a crazy guy to tell his wife after work.

This Post Makes Exsense

Since you’re reading this, I’m going to go ahead and assume you speak, or at least read, English*—though, yes, I am well aware of the dangers of assumption (it makes an a$$ out of you and umption). And, if you know anything about the English language, you probably know that it doesn’t really make a whole H-E-double-stuff-Oreo lot of sense.

Most of our words were stolen or incorporated from other languages, but no one bothered to make sure all our words follow neat, orderly rules like many other languages do. Now, I realize there’s only so much one can do with just twenty-six letters, but some of the liberties taken with English-language words are fairly mind boggling. For example, the meaning of a prefix or suffix on one word may not even remotely apply to another word with (seemingly) the same prefix or suffix.

Which brings us to today’s Weirdohead installment. If one were, say, sleep deprived, and came upon “rubber extrusions,” it’s conceivable that one’s running-on-fumes brain might have spent a lot longer than one would reasonably expect trying to figure out just what a “trusion” is and how to make rubber formerly have been one (an “ex-trusion”).

Eventually, one’s poor, tired brain would realize that that is not what “rubber extrusions” means. And one would feel very, very silly.

* It is also possible you’re a robot, in which case: 0110101101101001011011000110110000100000011000010110110001101100001