Drum-Tight Hipster Jackets A-Go-Go

So, I recently came upon a website for a company that refers to itself (themselves?) as “coating applicators.” Through my bleary, insomniac eyes, this was misread as “coat applicators,” which made me think: Why would you need someone to apply your coat for you?

This brought to mind hipsters. Grrr…hipsters—perhaps the worst subculture in human history, they of the “ironic” rat-tails and waaaay too tight jeans. It was the jeans in particular that made this connection make sense. Or at least it made sense to me at the time. (I don’t/can’t sleep much. Have I ever mentioned that?)

With pants so frightfully tight, it stands to reason that, occasionally, a hipster may need assistance putting on those pants. And, what if a hipster wanted a matching and equally tight jacket? Like the pants, that jacket would be too small to get into on one’s own, so the assistance of coat applicators is a must.

The coat applicators arrive, probably two of them working as a team. One of them would guide the hipster through a series of yoga stretches to prepare for the ordeal to come. Meanwhile, the other coat applicator prepares a special, quick-drying, low-residue lubricant to help the hipster’s arms slide into the sleeves of his or her drum-tight coat. This lubricant must be mixed on the spot, because science. (Again, this made sense to me at the time. Now, though…maybe not so much.)

Then, with the careful use of small levers and pulleys, the coat applicators lift, twist, turn, and otherwise contort the hipster until he or she emerges, triumphantly sporting his or her stupid jacket. Getting that jacket off is his/her own problem.

Upon closer inspection and “research,” I found that these coating applicators actually do abrasion resistant coatings (or something like that—it’s fancier and tougher than paint, whatever it is) on metal parts and equipment and such. Much more useful that a putting-on-your-dopey-jacket service, but far less fun to rage-rant about. *sigh* The internet never lets me do anything fun…